The other day my lovely bride lured me to WallyWorld on the pretense of buying only some dresses and couple of grocery items. The funny thing is that after twenty-odd (some VERY odd!) years of marriage, I still fall for the line "Oh, we just need two or three things." This time was no different, but I was even further deceived because we did not get a shopping cart (Hint: Guys, don't ever fall for that one.). My spouse really pulled the wool over my eyes this time when we actually made it through both her selection of dresses and getting "a few groceries" and were just about the get the last item - bananas.
Suddenly she sprang the trap...."Oh, Honey, would you mind? Um...I forgot the pudding." Her smile is so big and sweet that butter was melting in the dairy section nearly half a block away! And I was doomed! Every husband's worst nightmare...try to find a specific item, and the CORRECT specific item at a WALLYWORLD!!!! I broke out in a cold sweat as Sweety went on to instruct me that I was looking FRENCH Vanilla pudding that was SUGAR FREE! Nothing else would work. Then she said, "I will be waiting at the check out. Now remember, FRENCH Vanilla pudding. And it has to be SUGAR FREE!"
(Music from a certain sixties spy show begins playing in my head.)
....Your mission, should you decide to accept it...Make that French (Vanilla Sugar-Free Pudding) Connection.
(How I wished Peter Graves was on hand when I needed him!)
I turned and dashed from the fresh produce section, heading toward the middle aisles where I thought jello and pudding would be located. How hard could it be really? I mean, all I had to do was read the overhead signs until I found the Pudding and Jello aisle. Easy...
I ran past the frozen food sections, then the Coffee and Tea aisles, still heading toward the middle aisles located only some fifteen hundred yards or so from the fresh produce. That famous music was still running through my head as I passed the Pasta aisle. I forgot how much I liked the old Mission Impossible Theme!
I passed the Spices and Sauces aisle, still running, though I knew I must by now be getting close to the Pudding and Jello aisle. Pulse was up, heartbeat was somewhat erratic, but I knew I could make it. The entire banana pudding dessert depended on my making the French (Vanilla Sugar-Free Pudding) Connection. I was still in pretty good condition as I passed the canned vegetable shelves, still breathing in a regular pattern as I sprinted past the Canned Meats aisle, then the Baking Goods aisle.
I had to find the pudding section soon, as the Theme From Mission Impossible was just about over. By now I had passed the Cereal aisle, the Baby Needs aisle, the Water and Fruit Drink aisle, and the Beer Aisle, and suddenly I was in the Dairy Case, where all the melted butter was on display. There was no where else to go! The Milk case and the delicatessen were against the far wall. I had missed the Pudding and Jello aisle! It was here I realized that my pulse was racing, breaths coming hard and ragged, and I had no idea where the Pudding and Jello aisle could be. Should I ask a stocker? No, there was no time. I had to find that pudding myself and quickly, or else. I took a second to wonder whether WallyWorld had installed AED's, but then I collected myself and raced back the way I had come, noting that it was a good five hundred yards to the Baking aisle, and I was not even sure that was where I needed to go!
I figured that by now Spouse had selected the bananas and was at the checkout stand. That thought gave me some comfort as I knew from experience checkout would take much longer than actually shopping. That's another story. Reaching the Baking aisle, I began frantically searching for pudding and jello. Why there was not a sign for pudding and jello I will never know. I raced up and down the aisle, passing flour, sugar, lard (?), and many other sundries, but not spotting pudding anywhere! I was getting desperate now, as I had restarted the Mission Impossible Theme twice! I had to find that pudding, and soon!
Realizing my grave situation had now gotten REALLY serious, I did the unthinkable! Seeing a stocker placing bags of brown sugar on some shelves nearby, I raced over to him. "Sir," I said, though he was barely out of junior high, "Can you tell me where the Pudding and Jello aisle is located?" Plucking an Ear Bud out of one ear, the stocker said, "The Pull-Ups aisle?"
I began to see my life flashing before my eyes now, because Sweety wanted French Vanilla Pudding, not excuses! I shook the young man's shoulders in desperation. "Please...I need to find some French Vanilla Pudding!"
The young stared blankly at me before responding, "Sir, I don't believe we have any imported pudding. Sorry." He placed the Ear Bud in his ear again and busied himself with more stocking. I was near collapse at this moment, when a passing female shopper said, "The French Vanilla Pudding is here on the Baking Goods aisle."
I was dumb-struck! "No, I am looking for instant pudding."
"Yes, it is right here, in the middle of this aisle."
And she was right. Tucked almost invisibly in all the baking goods and seasonings, the sugars and flour, there was a very small segment of the shelves that contained instant pudding. Now, mind you, on no store signs did it indicate that pudding or jello was sold anywhere within the WallyWorld
It was here I realized my good fortune. I had survived the mad dash across the forty acre WallyWorld building, actually located the pudding, and then managed to reach my wife at the distant checkout stand without the need for paramedics or oxygen therapy! Everything would be alright. Dessert was saved. I had made the French (Vanilla Sugar-Free Pudding) Connection. And it turned out the wait was much shorter, because we had "twenty items or less" and were able to use the express check. I was a little leery of this at first because usually the express check is anything but! But the young lady apparently saw the makings for banana pudding and expedited our passage through the checkout stand.
I have been shopping with my wife now for nearly thirty years, but I have to confess that I still fall for that line, "Oh Honey, we just need a few things." All that really means is that we will get out of WallyWorld for less than two hundred dollars, and that I will be sent to locate some obscure item in the grocery department that is not listed on the aisle heading signs or the cashier's check list, and that of course has no bar code. It means I must be prepared for yet another WallyWorld Mission Impossible.
Suddenly she sprang the trap...."Oh, Honey, would you mind? Um...I forgot the pudding." Her smile is so big and sweet that butter was melting in the dairy section nearly half a block away! And I was doomed! Every husband's worst nightmare...try to find a specific item, and the CORRECT specific item at a WALLYWORLD!!!! I broke out in a cold sweat as Sweety went on to instruct me that I was looking FRENCH Vanilla pudding that was SUGAR FREE! Nothing else would work. Then she said, "I will be waiting at the check out. Now remember, FRENCH Vanilla pudding. And it has to be SUGAR FREE!"
(Music from a certain sixties spy show begins playing in my head.)
....Your mission, should you decide to accept it...Make that French (Vanilla Sugar-Free Pudding) Connection.
(How I wished Peter Graves was on hand when I needed him!)
I turned and dashed from the fresh produce section, heading toward the middle aisles where I thought jello and pudding would be located. How hard could it be really? I mean, all I had to do was read the overhead signs until I found the Pudding and Jello aisle. Easy...
I ran past the frozen food sections, then the Coffee and Tea aisles, still heading toward the middle aisles located only some fifteen hundred yards or so from the fresh produce. That famous music was still running through my head as I passed the Pasta aisle. I forgot how much I liked the old Mission Impossible Theme!
I passed the Spices and Sauces aisle, still running, though I knew I must by now be getting close to the Pudding and Jello aisle. Pulse was up, heartbeat was somewhat erratic, but I knew I could make it. The entire banana pudding dessert depended on my making the French (Vanilla Sugar-Free Pudding) Connection. I was still in pretty good condition as I passed the canned vegetable shelves, still breathing in a regular pattern as I sprinted past the Canned Meats aisle, then the Baking Goods aisle.
I had to find the pudding section soon, as the Theme From Mission Impossible was just about over. By now I had passed the Cereal aisle, the Baby Needs aisle, the Water and Fruit Drink aisle, and the Beer Aisle, and suddenly I was in the Dairy Case, where all the melted butter was on display. There was no where else to go! The Milk case and the delicatessen were against the far wall. I had missed the Pudding and Jello aisle! It was here I realized that my pulse was racing, breaths coming hard and ragged, and I had no idea where the Pudding and Jello aisle could be. Should I ask a stocker? No, there was no time. I had to find that pudding myself and quickly, or else. I took a second to wonder whether WallyWorld had installed AED's, but then I collected myself and raced back the way I had come, noting that it was a good five hundred yards to the Baking aisle, and I was not even sure that was where I needed to go!
I figured that by now Spouse had selected the bananas and was at the checkout stand. That thought gave me some comfort as I knew from experience checkout would take much longer than actually shopping. That's another story. Reaching the Baking aisle, I began frantically searching for pudding and jello. Why there was not a sign for pudding and jello I will never know. I raced up and down the aisle, passing flour, sugar, lard (?), and many other sundries, but not spotting pudding anywhere! I was getting desperate now, as I had restarted the Mission Impossible Theme twice! I had to find that pudding, and soon!
Realizing my grave situation had now gotten REALLY serious, I did the unthinkable! Seeing a stocker placing bags of brown sugar on some shelves nearby, I raced over to him. "Sir," I said, though he was barely out of junior high, "Can you tell me where the Pudding and Jello aisle is located?" Plucking an Ear Bud out of one ear, the stocker said, "The Pull-Ups aisle?"
I began to see my life flashing before my eyes now, because Sweety wanted French Vanilla Pudding, not excuses! I shook the young man's shoulders in desperation. "Please...I need to find some French Vanilla Pudding!"
The young stared blankly at me before responding, "Sir, I don't believe we have any imported pudding. Sorry." He placed the Ear Bud in his ear again and busied himself with more stocking. I was near collapse at this moment, when a passing female shopper said, "The French Vanilla Pudding is here on the Baking Goods aisle."
I was dumb-struck! "No, I am looking for instant pudding."
"Yes, it is right here, in the middle of this aisle."
And she was right. Tucked almost invisibly in all the baking goods and seasonings, the sugars and flour, there was a very small segment of the shelves that contained instant pudding. Now, mind you, on no store signs did it indicate that pudding or jello was sold anywhere within the WallyWorld
It was here I realized my good fortune. I had survived the mad dash across the forty acre WallyWorld building, actually located the pudding, and then managed to reach my wife at the distant checkout stand without the need for paramedics or oxygen therapy! Everything would be alright. Dessert was saved. I had made the French (Vanilla Sugar-Free Pudding) Connection. And it turned out the wait was much shorter, because we had "twenty items or less" and were able to use the express check. I was a little leery of this at first because usually the express check is anything but! But the young lady apparently saw the makings for banana pudding and expedited our passage through the checkout stand.
I have been shopping with my wife now for nearly thirty years, but I have to confess that I still fall for that line, "Oh Honey, we just need a few things." All that really means is that we will get out of WallyWorld for less than two hundred dollars, and that I will be sent to locate some obscure item in the grocery department that is not listed on the aisle heading signs or the cashier's check list, and that of course has no bar code. It means I must be prepared for yet another WallyWorld Mission Impossible.
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