I had the special pleasure of dining with Child A and Child B this past Sunday night. These dinners with my children are always pleasant, with the subjects of conversation most interesting and varied. The dinner would have been even more interesting if my lovely bride had attended, but she was under the weather, as they say. The site chosen for this dinner was Rosa's, the new one out near Midland International Airport. I was really hungry, too, as I had not eaten since breakfast time.
At the appointed hour, I picked up Child A, who lives near us. He and I drove to the eastern edge of Odessa. Child B, who resides in Odessa, was nearly there. Just before we arrived at Rosa's, Child A and I saw ahead of us several police and fire vehicles at what proved to be a major car accident. The terrible thought struck Child A and I at the same time: What if Child B is involved in that mess! I called Child B immediately on my cell phone. In a moment almost out of Final Destination, the ringing of Child B's phone distracted her just as she realized there was a major car accident ahead of her. Luckily, Child B answered the phone while keeping her eyes on the road and thus arrived safely at Rosa's.
As if the events prior to our evening meal were not omen enough, the service (or lack thereof) should have tipped us off that tonight's supper was going to be something other than typical. But really, ALL of our dinner nights end up being "other than typical." For example, the first topic of conversation was regarding the fact that my lovely bride had "wimped out" in the words of Child B. She is always "wimps out," adds Child A. In fact, my lovely bride is a fighter and does not wimp out of these things lightly. I just smiled and told the children that their mother was tired and was also battling a severely upset stomach. The children both lamented that these dinners were more fun when their mother attended, and I had to agree.
Then on to the next topic of conversation: Whether Child A and Child B had a father who was abducted by aliens as a child. I kid you not! It seems that the father of Child A and B exhibits symptoms of having been abducted by extraterrestrials as a child, and er...um...was "studied." This studying possibly went on for several years, with the alien "scientists" periodically re-abducting the subject. It was at this point in the conversation that I revealed to both Child A and Child B that I had in fact taken a test I found on the Internet, the point of said test being to show the likelihood of one having been "abducted." Follow this link (if you dare!) http://www.stealthskater.com/Documents/Abduction_1.pdf
I took and passed this test several months ago, so there is actually a great possibility that I am a former abductee and study subject for some unknown race from the great beyond.
(Disclaimer: I am probably NOT an abductee...and even if I were, I am OK, really! So boss, and future bosses - please do not give any credence to this alien abduction stuff. Unless you TOO were abducted.)
The alien conversation somehow led to a discussion of Anime and what are some of the better shows that Child A and B enjoy on television these days. The Anime talk led to a discussion of movies and TV in general. It was during this conversation we overheard a man at a table all the way across the restaurant. His laugh was loud and had a booming quality, but also, it seemed to be fake laughter. We then noticed that the man was wearing a lot of "bling" and talking in Spanish. With this information and also due to the fact that the other people at this man's table seemed to laugh in unison, but only after waiting a respectable length of time after the first man laughed, Child A and B decided the man must be a drug lord, the head of a local cartel. I added my two cents about all the things that made this man appear to be a crime kingpin.
Just about this time the man let out a loud, and obviously fake, laugh. I mentioned that the man laughed just like Ed McMahon. MISTAKE! Child A and Child B said in unison, "Who's Ed McMan?!" Oops. Awkward, for me! So I said, "Oh, he was the straight man for Johnny Carson!" Child A and Child B looked at each other in a puzzled manner, then looked at me. Yes, you guessed it. "Who is Johnny Carson?" The sad thing is that they were serious. Neither Child A nor Child B had any idea who were Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon!!! It was at this point that I realized, once again, I AM GETTING OLD! So I had to explain it all to them. How humiliating!
But we all recovered from the awkward situation. Child A and Child B are such great dinner guests. It was about this time that a deaf man selling writing pens appeared at our table. His sales method is to place two pens on one's table along with a small note explaining that he is deaf and supports himself by selling pens. Two pens equal four dollars. Other than my debit card, I was dead broke, as was Child A. Child B, however, came up with enough money to by one pen. We left the other for the deaf man to collect as he passed by again later on. Shortly after purchasing the pen, we put it to the test, which it failed miserably!
Child A, Child B, and I were discussing different and unconventional ways we could make money. I revealed to them that I often fantasized that the actor Robert Duvall somehow discovered BAILEY BLACK and decided on the spot that this story would be the source of a great movie! I would then live off the royalties for the remainder of my life, probably in the Bahamas. Child B then said something (unfortunately I cannot remember what she said) that was so funny I wanted to use it as a line in an upcoming (and so far unthought of) book. I said "Give me that pen. I need to write this down!" I took the pen and began to write on a piece of paper. Nothing! The pen Child B had just bought WOULD NOT WRITE!
Child B took the pen and said, "I'll MAKE it work!" She began drawing feverishly on my napkin. Nothing happened! The pen simply would not write. Child B took the pen apart. Lo and behold, there was no ink in the cartridge! "Snaps!" said Child B. I told her not to worry, we could simply get a refund. But in fact, the deaf salesman was nowhere to be found. "Haw Haw Haw Haw Haw" said the drug kingpin. "Ed McMahon," said I. "Who's ED McMAHON," shouted Child A and Child B in unison. I could not bear to go through the explanation again. "Never mind," I said. "That's okay," said Child A, "The man sounds like Jabba the Hut." We all laughed. By now it was 10:30 PM. "I am sorry, kids, but your father has missed his bedtime." We said our goodbyes, gave our hugs, and parted ways. Child A and I returned to Midland, while Child B made her way back to Odessa.
I really love these family dinners. I really love the way that Child A and Child B BOTH think their father is still tolerably cool and fun to dine with. I love the way our conversations touch on any subject except the expected ones. Most of all, I love the way they still think of me as some sort of hero. Many children similar to the age of my own have long since concluded THEIR parents were no longer "cool." That makes it so much more of a treat to have dinner with them. I hope you, if you are old like I am, still have the pleasure of an occasional visit or meal with your grown children. I hope they think you are still cool. I hope that...er, never mind. It is late, past my bed time. I think I hear those aliens approaching. Hmmm, maybe it is time for another...er...exam!
At the appointed hour, I picked up Child A, who lives near us. He and I drove to the eastern edge of Odessa. Child B, who resides in Odessa, was nearly there. Just before we arrived at Rosa's, Child A and I saw ahead of us several police and fire vehicles at what proved to be a major car accident. The terrible thought struck Child A and I at the same time: What if Child B is involved in that mess! I called Child B immediately on my cell phone. In a moment almost out of Final Destination, the ringing of Child B's phone distracted her just as she realized there was a major car accident ahead of her. Luckily, Child B answered the phone while keeping her eyes on the road and thus arrived safely at Rosa's.
As if the events prior to our evening meal were not omen enough, the service (or lack thereof) should have tipped us off that tonight's supper was going to be something other than typical. But really, ALL of our dinner nights end up being "other than typical." For example, the first topic of conversation was regarding the fact that my lovely bride had "wimped out" in the words of Child B. She is always "wimps out," adds Child A. In fact, my lovely bride is a fighter and does not wimp out of these things lightly. I just smiled and told the children that their mother was tired and was also battling a severely upset stomach. The children both lamented that these dinners were more fun when their mother attended, and I had to agree.
Then on to the next topic of conversation: Whether Child A and Child B had a father who was abducted by aliens as a child. I kid you not! It seems that the father of Child A and B exhibits symptoms of having been abducted by extraterrestrials as a child, and er...um...was "studied." This studying possibly went on for several years, with the alien "scientists" periodically re-abducting the subject. It was at this point in the conversation that I revealed to both Child A and Child B that I had in fact taken a test I found on the Internet, the point of said test being to show the likelihood of one having been "abducted." Follow this link (if you dare!) http://www.stealthskater.com/Documents/Abduction_1.pdf
I took and passed this test several months ago, so there is actually a great possibility that I am a former abductee and study subject for some unknown race from the great beyond.
(Disclaimer: I am probably NOT an abductee...and even if I were, I am OK, really! So boss, and future bosses - please do not give any credence to this alien abduction stuff. Unless you TOO were abducted.)
The alien conversation somehow led to a discussion of Anime and what are some of the better shows that Child A and B enjoy on television these days. The Anime talk led to a discussion of movies and TV in general. It was during this conversation we overheard a man at a table all the way across the restaurant. His laugh was loud and had a booming quality, but also, it seemed to be fake laughter. We then noticed that the man was wearing a lot of "bling" and talking in Spanish. With this information and also due to the fact that the other people at this man's table seemed to laugh in unison, but only after waiting a respectable length of time after the first man laughed, Child A and B decided the man must be a drug lord, the head of a local cartel. I added my two cents about all the things that made this man appear to be a crime kingpin.
Just about this time the man let out a loud, and obviously fake, laugh. I mentioned that the man laughed just like Ed McMahon. MISTAKE! Child A and Child B said in unison, "Who's Ed McMan?!" Oops. Awkward, for me! So I said, "Oh, he was the straight man for Johnny Carson!" Child A and Child B looked at each other in a puzzled manner, then looked at me. Yes, you guessed it. "Who is Johnny Carson?" The sad thing is that they were serious. Neither Child A nor Child B had any idea who were Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon!!! It was at this point that I realized, once again, I AM GETTING OLD! So I had to explain it all to them. How humiliating!
But we all recovered from the awkward situation. Child A and Child B are such great dinner guests. It was about this time that a deaf man selling writing pens appeared at our table. His sales method is to place two pens on one's table along with a small note explaining that he is deaf and supports himself by selling pens. Two pens equal four dollars. Other than my debit card, I was dead broke, as was Child A. Child B, however, came up with enough money to by one pen. We left the other for the deaf man to collect as he passed by again later on. Shortly after purchasing the pen, we put it to the test, which it failed miserably!
Child A, Child B, and I were discussing different and unconventional ways we could make money. I revealed to them that I often fantasized that the actor Robert Duvall somehow discovered BAILEY BLACK and decided on the spot that this story would be the source of a great movie! I would then live off the royalties for the remainder of my life, probably in the Bahamas. Child B then said something (unfortunately I cannot remember what she said) that was so funny I wanted to use it as a line in an upcoming (and so far unthought of) book. I said "Give me that pen. I need to write this down!" I took the pen and began to write on a piece of paper. Nothing! The pen Child B had just bought WOULD NOT WRITE!
Child B took the pen and said, "I'll MAKE it work!" She began drawing feverishly on my napkin. Nothing happened! The pen simply would not write. Child B took the pen apart. Lo and behold, there was no ink in the cartridge! "Snaps!" said Child B. I told her not to worry, we could simply get a refund. But in fact, the deaf salesman was nowhere to be found. "Haw Haw Haw Haw Haw" said the drug kingpin. "Ed McMahon," said I. "Who's ED McMAHON," shouted Child A and Child B in unison. I could not bear to go through the explanation again. "Never mind," I said. "That's okay," said Child A, "The man sounds like Jabba the Hut." We all laughed. By now it was 10:30 PM. "I am sorry, kids, but your father has missed his bedtime." We said our goodbyes, gave our hugs, and parted ways. Child A and I returned to Midland, while Child B made her way back to Odessa.
I really love these family dinners. I really love the way that Child A and Child B BOTH think their father is still tolerably cool and fun to dine with. I love the way our conversations touch on any subject except the expected ones. Most of all, I love the way they still think of me as some sort of hero. Many children similar to the age of my own have long since concluded THEIR parents were no longer "cool." That makes it so much more of a treat to have dinner with them. I hope you, if you are old like I am, still have the pleasure of an occasional visit or meal with your grown children. I hope they think you are still cool. I hope that...er, never mind. It is late, past my bed time. I think I hear those aliens approaching. Hmmm, maybe it is time for another...er...exam!
No comments:
Post a Comment