One of my greatest pleasures in this life has been to be a good listener (my Lovely Bride may not agree with this assessment!) and to empathize with the person who may be telling me his or her story. This pleasure is even greater when the person has entrusted me with experiences which he or she has not shared with anyone else. Unfortunately, along with the pleasure of "being there" when someone needs me, needs a shoulder to cry on, or just a free "ear," also comes the burden (which I gladly bear) of feeling, to some degree, the sadness, anger, confusion, loss, as well as joy, happiness, and love that the person has experienced as he or she travelled through this life.
After talking with people (I am sure you know this) I have learned, re-learned, and learned again, that there is no way to accurately judge a person from "the outside looking in." Not that we should be judging people, yet we do. It's okay, I know you do, and I do it, too. But you and I can all try to keep it to a minimum, especially be understanding this one thing: We do not, and cannot, understand why a person "is like" he or she is unless we get to know that person, or at least get to the parts of the person that he or she has chosen to reveal to us. Once we learn a thing we did not know about the other person, is becomes much easier to understand the person, to "deal" with the person, to overlook the person's little "quirks" (our own quirks are really just "characteristics" that the other person has no need to overlook), and maybe even to forgive the person for some "wrong" in light of the person's experiences and trials.
Yes, I love being the person others turn to, even though there is a corresponding burden of confidentiality, of protection, of the need not to reveal this confidence to others, even accidentally. And there is another burden, as I said, of feeling the pain, anger, confusion, shame, and other negative emotions, as well as the positive ones.
In the interest of protecting the confidentiality of a person who recently chose to reveal experiences of childhood physical abuse suffered at the hands of parents and other relatives, I cannot talk about the details here, but I can talk about the new way that I see this person now. I understand more now about why this person chose a particular life-style, why this person acts in certain ways and believes in certain things, while not believing in others. I learned (once again) that we all experience different things in life, different good things...and different bad things.
As a person relates these experiences to me, I can imagine what I THINK it would be like to have been in the situation the person described, but I cannot KNOW what the person actually felt. For instance, I can try to imagine what it must have been like to be abused, and to be abused over and over again, physically, but I can never really KNOW what that person actually felt, having never been physically abused myself. Yes, I received the occasional "bottom-burner" as a child, but I have never considered that abuse, so I do not believe I suffered in any way, other than not being able to sit down for a few minutes. I can never really fully understand how a person's early experiences (positive or negative) have effected that person's beliefs, relationships, abilities, etc., but I can begin to make a few concessions, such as tolerating those "little quirks" the person has that I may not really like so much. The pleasure of being around the person or having the person in my life certainly covers over those quirks. Knowing the that the person wanted to share these things with me is truly a gift that I am not sure the other person even realized that he or she was giving to me.
It is this quirk of mine, this empathy, that I think might cause these people to believe that they can confide in me. And it is my pleasure to receive these confidences. Occasionally, though, the things shared with me cause me to feel at least a portion of the anger, the hurt, the rejection, that the person himself or herself must have felt. I also understand that in sharing these experiences, these memories, with me, the person himself or herself is also reliving the experiences, "re-feeling" the pain or whatever emotion might be involved. As I listened to experiences related to me one night this past week, I was transferred back in time with this person to the many occasions when the person was subjected to abuse, and saddened when told how the abuse effected this person's life, and continues to do so today. In essence, I felt the pain, but I also felt the triumph this person experienced later on, the success in this person's life today.
It would be easier to tell people from time to time that I do not want to hear these things, not because I am not interested, but because of the very real, very plasma-like, sometimes oppressive empathy that I feel can be over-powering and discouraging. Yet the person who has overcome all of these things also allows me to feel another kind of empathy, the empathy of his or her current happiness, the happy reunions with long-estranged relatives, successful parenting, even that the person has reached a successful point in his or her career or with personal goals. Most of all, hearing of another's life experiences keeps me grounded (most of the time) and helps me not to be so judgmental of people I do not know, but who I work with or associate with on a daily basis.
The Good Shepherd said to us "Do not judge, lest you be judged in the same measure that you judge others." I know I have a long way to go in the judgment area, but I believe I am getting better. More importantly, I believe I am using one of the few gifts I was blessed with in a way that is beneficial to those who choose to bring their confidences to me. And I am blessed every time a person chooses to tell me his or her story. And each of us has a story, I can tell you.
After talking with people (I am sure you know this) I have learned, re-learned, and learned again, that there is no way to accurately judge a person from "the outside looking in." Not that we should be judging people, yet we do. It's okay, I know you do, and I do it, too. But you and I can all try to keep it to a minimum, especially be understanding this one thing: We do not, and cannot, understand why a person "is like" he or she is unless we get to know that person, or at least get to the parts of the person that he or she has chosen to reveal to us. Once we learn a thing we did not know about the other person, is becomes much easier to understand the person, to "deal" with the person, to overlook the person's little "quirks" (our own quirks are really just "characteristics" that the other person has no need to overlook), and maybe even to forgive the person for some "wrong" in light of the person's experiences and trials.
Yes, I love being the person others turn to, even though there is a corresponding burden of confidentiality, of protection, of the need not to reveal this confidence to others, even accidentally. And there is another burden, as I said, of feeling the pain, anger, confusion, shame, and other negative emotions, as well as the positive ones.
In the interest of protecting the confidentiality of a person who recently chose to reveal experiences of childhood physical abuse suffered at the hands of parents and other relatives, I cannot talk about the details here, but I can talk about the new way that I see this person now. I understand more now about why this person chose a particular life-style, why this person acts in certain ways and believes in certain things, while not believing in others. I learned (once again) that we all experience different things in life, different good things...and different bad things.
As a person relates these experiences to me, I can imagine what I THINK it would be like to have been in the situation the person described, but I cannot KNOW what the person actually felt. For instance, I can try to imagine what it must have been like to be abused, and to be abused over and over again, physically, but I can never really KNOW what that person actually felt, having never been physically abused myself. Yes, I received the occasional "bottom-burner" as a child, but I have never considered that abuse, so I do not believe I suffered in any way, other than not being able to sit down for a few minutes. I can never really fully understand how a person's early experiences (positive or negative) have effected that person's beliefs, relationships, abilities, etc., but I can begin to make a few concessions, such as tolerating those "little quirks" the person has that I may not really like so much. The pleasure of being around the person or having the person in my life certainly covers over those quirks. Knowing the that the person wanted to share these things with me is truly a gift that I am not sure the other person even realized that he or she was giving to me.
It is this quirk of mine, this empathy, that I think might cause these people to believe that they can confide in me. And it is my pleasure to receive these confidences. Occasionally, though, the things shared with me cause me to feel at least a portion of the anger, the hurt, the rejection, that the person himself or herself must have felt. I also understand that in sharing these experiences, these memories, with me, the person himself or herself is also reliving the experiences, "re-feeling" the pain or whatever emotion might be involved. As I listened to experiences related to me one night this past week, I was transferred back in time with this person to the many occasions when the person was subjected to abuse, and saddened when told how the abuse effected this person's life, and continues to do so today. In essence, I felt the pain, but I also felt the triumph this person experienced later on, the success in this person's life today.
It would be easier to tell people from time to time that I do not want to hear these things, not because I am not interested, but because of the very real, very plasma-like, sometimes oppressive empathy that I feel can be over-powering and discouraging. Yet the person who has overcome all of these things also allows me to feel another kind of empathy, the empathy of his or her current happiness, the happy reunions with long-estranged relatives, successful parenting, even that the person has reached a successful point in his or her career or with personal goals. Most of all, hearing of another's life experiences keeps me grounded (most of the time) and helps me not to be so judgmental of people I do not know, but who I work with or associate with on a daily basis.
The Good Shepherd said to us "Do not judge, lest you be judged in the same measure that you judge others." I know I have a long way to go in the judgment area, but I believe I am getting better. More importantly, I believe I am using one of the few gifts I was blessed with in a way that is beneficial to those who choose to bring their confidences to me. And I am blessed every time a person chooses to tell me his or her story. And each of us has a story, I can tell you.
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