Recently (like three days ago) I joined a martial arts "dojo" (Japanese for: a place where one can legally be physically assaulted by someone else who is wearing a "Gi" or "kick your ^*# uniform") so that I could fulfil my dream of learning self-defense, mostly from my wife, who frequently wears a "Gi" or "kick your ^*# uniform" and regularly requests that I serve as a "scarecrow" or dummy (or stupid idiot) while she practices her "cotas" or "methods of kicking my ^*#."
What does this have to do with Football Season? I will tell you, my friends...by the way, a big hello to everyone, and a special welcome to those reading from such distant points as Latvia, Russia, the United Kingdom, and yes, even China. And many other places. I appreciate it so much. You all have choices but you chose to spend a minute or two here, and for that I am extremely grateful. And now...back to our story...
When College Football Season started this year, I had in mind two things that I would do to maximize my chances of watching football games when such other attractions as the Food Network and the Cooking Channel were hogging the TV remote. First, I would program the TV remote so that only...okay, I only THOUGHT about doing that. Actually what I did was first read the obligatory Dave Campbell's football magazine to gain a better understanding of each of my favorite team's chances of winning the big game (or ANY game, in Marshall's case) so that I would know the "key" games to watch during college football season. Second, I made a schedule consisting of ONLY the games I wanted to watch, whether college, or the occasional high school game that would be aired during the "Infomercial" prime time (1 AM to 4 AM). In this way I knew exactly when a "key" game would be televised.
Next, I scheduled all my other activities so that these activities would occur during football "downtime." Included in the "all my other activities" category are the primary activities of sleeping, and keeping my "office chair" warm by resting my posterior very effectively in the seat cushion. Secondary activities on my list include breathing, "honey dews," physical activity, reading, more "honey dews," and outdoor activities. In this way I managed to "get things done around the house" as well as use very little precious TV time.
Having strategically sorted through and prioritized the games I wanted to watch, AND having done, or at least attempted, most of the "honey dews," as well as accomplishing secondary activities, including breathing, I was now set up to use the true tactic that would successfully defeat my spouse's arguments, even overriding her burning desire to see who got "Chopped," That true tactic, my friends, is of course...guilt. Yes, GUILT! The Guilt Application works at least 98% of the time, and in many cases the Spouse does not even realize she has been guilted at all. My spouse relents, lets me watch another football game, and even "apologizes" by making supper, snacks, and drinks.
So it is Saturday night, 7:00 PM Central Time. LSU has just lined up on the field, the ball is kicked and in the air, and the entire Tigers kick-off team is pouncing on the hapless Western Kentucky receiver, when my spouse walks into the room and cheerily announces, "It's time. We have to go." I say, "Ummm....have to go? Have to go where?" "Honey, don't be silly. It's karate fight night...again." I, reactivating the Guilt Application, say," But Sweetie, I just spent all day with the honey dews. Everything is done.!" I then turn on the poor, lonesome, starving, homeless kitten look (which works hand in hand with the Guilt Tactic) and say, "And I have hardly watched ANY television. See, I let you watch all those cooking shows even though football (Llewegie University versus Tembuk College - a real thriller of a game) was on. You go on to fight night, Sweetie, and I will watch the football game. Or better, why not pop a bunch of popcorn and watch the game with me? I know the office chair would be too crowded but we could sit on the couch in front of the television!"
At about this point I notice that the Guilt Application is suddenly not effective. What can it be?! Is she wearing a leaded warm-up set? Sweetie says, "YOU SAID YOU WOULD GO WITH ME TO FIGHT NIGHT!" Here is where the warning bell began sounding somewhere in the deeper recesses of my brain. I wonder, DID I promise her I would go to fight night with her? Did I PROMISE her I would go to fight night? What was I THINKING?
My spouse, meanwhile, has deployed a tactic of her own. This tactic is known as the "I'm A Yellow Belt In Karate Reminder Tactic." Sweetie has suddenly moved to within arm's length of my face as well as certain more vital areas. She then takes the "Ready Stance" while at the same time utilizing another tactic, the Laser "I" Tactic, which of course works hand in hand with the I'm A Yellow Belt In Karate Reminder Tactic. When these two tactics are employed together, the results can be excruciatingly painful and permanent. These tactics, when combined, are also quite effective in restoring temporarily lost short-term memory. Sweetie's eyes, still in laser mode, were locked into my own, and she was now employing that very familiar Bruce Lee/Chuck Norris Redesign Your Face stance. It was at this point that I remembered that I might have jokingly suggested that I would go with her to fight night at the dojo if there was nothing on TV worth watching. Now, I can assure you that when your spouse or significant other has employed the "I Have A Yellow Belt In Karate Reminder Tactic" and the Laser "I" Tactic, your memory of two or three weeks ago is suddenly crystal clear. That was the case with me. I suddenly and clearly remembered I had indeed promised her that I would go to fight night with her.
I retrieved my gear bag from the bedroom. When I returned I heard loud cheering and excited commentary coming from the television. The announcer said, "That was the classic fade and pass, and the entire Western Kentucky defense fell for it! What a play! And now the PAT is up, it's good! The Tigers are trouncing Western Kentucky. It is only four minutes into the first quarter and already the score is the Tigers..." CLICK. Dead air. The front door was already open and Sweetie was on the stairway headed out. Oh, I admit I was tempted to turn the TV back on for just a second, just to hear the score, but that temptation was very short-lived. For you see, whenever an angry spouse utilizes both the I'm A Yellow Belt In Karate Reminder Tactic and the Laser "I" Tactic, the loser is rarely College Football.
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