Someone Burglarized My Closet

Someone burglarized my closet!  At least that is what I think happened.  It must have been someone that had a key to the apartment because there was, as the police say, no sign of forced entry.  This was a really unique burglary, too.  The criminal did not take my TV, or any of the few things of value I own.  And, my latest supply of Bailey Black copies were left in place.  Obviously the burglar had no taste in literature!  But, something was taken.  Even weirder, something was left behind.  This was a strange burglary, indeed, one that it would take the likes of Mulder and Scully to solve. 

The strange thing about this burglary was that someone removed all my pants that fit me, and left in their place seemingly identical pants that were too small.  The pants that were stolen were just my size.  The impostors were at least one size too small.  I called the police of course.  The dispatcher questioned me for some time about the circumstances of this burglary.  She seemed so helpful at first, but then seemed to become somewhat less understanding as I described the property taken, and the clothing left behind by the unknown criminal.  Can you believe this?  After a few minutes, the dispatcher told me she would NOT send officers to investigate this crime.  She suggested...and this is the REALLY unbelievable part...that I might have GAINED SOME WEIGHT over the Memorial Day Weekend.  I was appalled! So appalled that I went to the refrigerator and got a double helping of Banana Split Pie to help settle my nerves.  And as I sat down to eat, I think the seat of my pants ripped open.  Dang that Burglar!