The following is a true story:
After work Wednesday, I told my Lovely Bride that I had bought a treadmill online, and it was at W....T ready to be picked up. I then asked Child A if he would go with me and help load the boxed treadmill into the pickup.
Said my Lovely Bride, "I thought we decided that you would only buy a treadmill after you walked at least once daily for the next three months!!"
I said," It is thirty-seven DEGREES outside tonight, and now winter has started. There is no way I can walk every night when it is thirty-seven degrees outside! I can put the treadmill in the shed and work out every night, even when it is cold."
My Lovely Bride said, "HONEY!"
I said, "Sweetie, this was a LIFE DECISION! You KNOW I have to lose weight, be more active, and ..." so forth and so on, you know the rest if you are male, over fifty, and have not walked over a mile in one sitting since Jerry Jones fired Tom Landry as the head coach of America's football team.
And THEY WERE America's football team in those days! Of course that information was irrelevant to the present argument in which my Lovely Bride and I were engaged.
My Lovely Bride said, "OK, Fine!" (Men EVERYWHERE - ATTENTION!! - if your Lovely Bride utters those two words, be warned - NOTHING is either OK or FINE!)
Then my Lovely Bride said, "I bet you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS you will NOT work out on that treadmill at LEAST once a day for the next three months!"
Said I, "You'll see. I WILL work out every night. I HAVE to lose weight and be more active!" (I think I said that above - oh, well.) In three months, when you pay me the $100, I will have one third of the cost of a GOOD metal detector!"
My Lovely Bride says," OK, let's make this a REAL contest. I will BUY you a new metal detector if you really work out EVERY DAY for the next three months!"
"Okay," I said, "but I am not talking about a $59 Radio Shack metal detector! I am talking about a GOOD metal detector! I will PICK OUT the metal detector I want!"
My Lovely Bride said, "FINE!" (Uh oh, guys, there's THAT word again!) "You pick out the metal detector you want, and I will think of something I want of EQUAL value! I will get something NICE!"
I said, "YOU are going to LOSE YOUR PANTS in this bet!"
"Oh," said my Lovely Bride, "You're CHANGING the bet now?!"
"No I am not changing the bet." I said. "I was speaking figuratively. You are going to lose this bet!"
Just about this time Child A, having heard our little discussion, interjected, "Dad? Why buy a treadmill? I have a recumbent exercise bike stored in my room."
My Lovely Bride and I were stopped in our verbal "tracks"!
I said to Child A, "You have an exercise bike stored in your ROOM?!!"
My Lovely Bride said, "What? Somewhere in all that stuff in your room you have a BICYCLE?!"
Here I should tell you that neither my Lovely Bride nor myself DARE ENTER Child A's room. He has been able to cram at least four rooms worth of furniture, storage boxes, and computer equipment into an 18' x 10' bed room. That leaves very little floor space for walking, and also means that there are many booby-trapped items throughout the room. My Lovely Bride and I make it a practice not to enter his room without the proper personal protective equipment and a long rope tied to the living room couch so that we can find our way back to this world if we DO have to enter his room.
And now, back to our story -
Child A said, "Well, not a bike. It is a recumbent exercise bike. I am giving it to Dad. Hey Dad, you should cancel that order!"
I said, "You're right! Hey wait...does your recumbent bike WORK? Does it have all the parts?"
Child A said, "Yes, Dad, it works, and it has all the parts."
I said, "OK, I guess I will cancel that order for the treadmill."
My Lovely Bride was about a paragraph behind our discussion, however. "You have a BICYCLE in your ROOM?! I can't believe you had ROOM for one in there!"
Child A said, "Not a BIKE. A recumbent exercise bike. The only thing wrong with it is that it is missing the handle. And I took the console off."
I was immediately wary. "Uh...why did you take the console off?" My Lovely Bride was all ears as well.
Said Child A, " I wanted to make a "desk exercise bike."
I HAD to hear this one. My Lovely Bride was faster, though. "WHAT is a DESK exercise bike?"
Child A said, "I wanted to have a machine I could exercise on while I was playing video games. But when I put it under the desk and tried to pedal, my knees kept hitting the bottom of the desk."
My Lovely Bride said, "You have not been using the exercise bike?"
Child A said, "No, I told you, I kept banging my knees on the desk the first time I tried to use it, so I just stored it in my room."
I asked Child A if he could successfully reconstruct the recumbent exercise bike, but I could see that my Lovely Bride was not interested...because she was too busy rolling on the floor in laughter.
When my Lovely Bride finally regained control of herself, she told Child A, "Thanks for making my point! Like your father, if there is a reason NOT to exercise, you won't!"
I said, "That is not true! I would exercise EVERY DAY if I had an indoor machine, such as this recumbent exercise bike. Then if it is snowing or raining, I can just go to the shed and exercise there!"
My Lovely Bride said, "Then the SAME DEAL is still ON! You have to work out EVERY DAY for AT LEAST thirty minutes for the next THREE MONTHS!"
I said, "That's right...the SAME DEAL! I am going to get a really GOOD metal detector out of this!"
My Lovely Bride only snickered as she walked over to the kitchen stove and began serving up some of her prize-winning beef and vegetable soup. And...I am sure...she began calculating the cost of a mink coat or a new diamond ring.
As for me...I would be thinking about a REALLY NICE metal detector...if I could just get up off the floor where I fell into a boneless mass after riding thirty minutes on my new RECUMBENT exercise bike.
End of Part I
Stayed tuned right here for Part II...which follows in only THREE MONTHS. I can't wait to show off my great new physique...and my shiny, new metal detector!
After work Wednesday, I told my Lovely Bride that I had bought a treadmill online, and it was at W....T ready to be picked up. I then asked Child A if he would go with me and help load the boxed treadmill into the pickup.
Said my Lovely Bride, "I thought we decided that you would only buy a treadmill after you walked at least once daily for the next three months!!"
I said," It is thirty-seven DEGREES outside tonight, and now winter has started. There is no way I can walk every night when it is thirty-seven degrees outside! I can put the treadmill in the shed and work out every night, even when it is cold."
My Lovely Bride said, "HONEY!"
I said, "Sweetie, this was a LIFE DECISION! You KNOW I have to lose weight, be more active, and ..." so forth and so on, you know the rest if you are male, over fifty, and have not walked over a mile in one sitting since Jerry Jones fired Tom Landry as the head coach of America's football team.
And THEY WERE America's football team in those days! Of course that information was irrelevant to the present argument in which my Lovely Bride and I were engaged.
My Lovely Bride said, "OK, Fine!" (Men EVERYWHERE - ATTENTION!! - if your Lovely Bride utters those two words, be warned - NOTHING is either OK or FINE!)
Then my Lovely Bride said, "I bet you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS you will NOT work out on that treadmill at LEAST once a day for the next three months!"
Said I, "You'll see. I WILL work out every night. I HAVE to lose weight and be more active!" (I think I said that above - oh, well.) In three months, when you pay me the $100, I will have one third of the cost of a GOOD metal detector!"
My Lovely Bride says," OK, let's make this a REAL contest. I will BUY you a new metal detector if you really work out EVERY DAY for the next three months!"
"Okay," I said, "but I am not talking about a $59 Radio Shack metal detector! I am talking about a GOOD metal detector! I will PICK OUT the metal detector I want!"
My Lovely Bride said, "FINE!" (Uh oh, guys, there's THAT word again!) "You pick out the metal detector you want, and I will think of something I want of EQUAL value! I will get something NICE!"
I said, "YOU are going to LOSE YOUR PANTS in this bet!"
"Oh," said my Lovely Bride, "You're CHANGING the bet now?!"
"No I am not changing the bet." I said. "I was speaking figuratively. You are going to lose this bet!"
Just about this time Child A, having heard our little discussion, interjected, "Dad? Why buy a treadmill? I have a recumbent exercise bike stored in my room."
My Lovely Bride and I were stopped in our verbal "tracks"!
I said to Child A, "You have an exercise bike stored in your ROOM?!!"
My Lovely Bride said, "What? Somewhere in all that stuff in your room you have a BICYCLE?!"
Here I should tell you that neither my Lovely Bride nor myself DARE ENTER Child A's room. He has been able to cram at least four rooms worth of furniture, storage boxes, and computer equipment into an 18' x 10' bed room. That leaves very little floor space for walking, and also means that there are many booby-trapped items throughout the room. My Lovely Bride and I make it a practice not to enter his room without the proper personal protective equipment and a long rope tied to the living room couch so that we can find our way back to this world if we DO have to enter his room.
And now, back to our story -
Child A said, "Well, not a bike. It is a recumbent exercise bike. I am giving it to Dad. Hey Dad, you should cancel that order!"
I said, "You're right! Hey wait...does your recumbent bike WORK? Does it have all the parts?"
Child A said, "Yes, Dad, it works, and it has all the parts."
I said, "OK, I guess I will cancel that order for the treadmill."
My Lovely Bride was about a paragraph behind our discussion, however. "You have a BICYCLE in your ROOM?! I can't believe you had ROOM for one in there!"
Child A said, "Not a BIKE. A recumbent exercise bike. The only thing wrong with it is that it is missing the handle. And I took the console off."
I was immediately wary. "Uh...why did you take the console off?" My Lovely Bride was all ears as well.
Said Child A, " I wanted to make a "desk exercise bike."
I HAD to hear this one. My Lovely Bride was faster, though. "WHAT is a DESK exercise bike?"
Child A said, "I wanted to have a machine I could exercise on while I was playing video games. But when I put it under the desk and tried to pedal, my knees kept hitting the bottom of the desk."
My Lovely Bride said, "You have not been using the exercise bike?"
Child A said, "No, I told you, I kept banging my knees on the desk the first time I tried to use it, so I just stored it in my room."
I asked Child A if he could successfully reconstruct the recumbent exercise bike, but I could see that my Lovely Bride was not interested...because she was too busy rolling on the floor in laughter.
When my Lovely Bride finally regained control of herself, she told Child A, "Thanks for making my point! Like your father, if there is a reason NOT to exercise, you won't!"
I said, "That is not true! I would exercise EVERY DAY if I had an indoor machine, such as this recumbent exercise bike. Then if it is snowing or raining, I can just go to the shed and exercise there!"
My Lovely Bride said, "Then the SAME DEAL is still ON! You have to work out EVERY DAY for AT LEAST thirty minutes for the next THREE MONTHS!"
I said, "That's right...the SAME DEAL! I am going to get a really GOOD metal detector out of this!"
My Lovely Bride only snickered as she walked over to the kitchen stove and began serving up some of her prize-winning beef and vegetable soup. And...I am sure...she began calculating the cost of a mink coat or a new diamond ring.
As for me...I would be thinking about a REALLY NICE metal detector...if I could just get up off the floor where I fell into a boneless mass after riding thirty minutes on my new RECUMBENT exercise bike.
End of Part I
Stayed tuned right here for Part II...which follows in only THREE MONTHS. I can't wait to show off my great new physique...and my shiny, new metal detector!
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